Today is a day known for the Triple F: food, football, and family.It’s normally an enticing mixture of delicious and awkward, yet in some cases Thanksgiving can be one of the most dangerous days of the year. Follow these simple safety tips, however, and you should be fine.

1. Which Side are You On, Turkey?

When searching for topics of discussion at the dinner table, the old adage of avoiding politics and religion is a good one to follow. People tend to sometimes change unexpectedly over long periods of time, so be especially careful around relatives you haven’t seen in a long time. After all, where do you think the tradition of mashed potatoes came from? After the first few dozen politically fueled food fights, someone finally stood up covered in bruises and said, “Ok, if we’re going to do this every year, these baked potatoes have got to go.”

2. Good Day to YOU, Sir

No matter how annoyed you may happen to be, Thanksgiving and the days immediately surrounding it are not the time for the one finger salute if you happen to be traveling around. When people are slogging through sludgy traffic for a few hours each way, usually starving on the way there and stuffed to exploding on the way back, and quite often are not too pleased with their destination, the potential for road rage is astronomical. Just keep the windows up, the music loud, a smile on your face, and remember that even a good samaritan on his way to a canned food drive might still be ticked off enough to pitch a can of green beans through your windshield if he gets provoked.

3. Great News! I Brought My Cleats and My Helmet This Year!

If you happen to be one of those families that has a backyard football game in the afternoon, you probably also happen to be one of those families that has the one family member who takes it way too seriously. You know, the one sprinting across the yard, stiff arming your 12 year old cousins and lowering a shoulder into grandpa. I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want after a big dinner is to take a diving tackle in the sternum. It can be a tough subject to approach tactfully, but maybe with some fast talking you can explain that this year you really need a reliable referee, and would they please do it since they’re clearly the most knowledgeable choice etc.

4. Whatever You Do, Do Not Dress Up Like a Turkey.

Whatever you do, do not dress up like a turkey. Especially if you live somewhere where people enjoy hunting and trend towards having bad eyesight. 

5. Denny’s

Unfortunately, some people just don’t know how to cook. In most cases, that just means lumpy mashed potatoes and a bird that may as well have been cooked in a nuclear explosion. In some cases, it means dangerously undercooked meat, mold, or just downright unclean preparation. Going out to a restaurant (like Denny’s, they’re always open) on Thanksgiving may not provide the warmest, most cherished holiday memories imaginable, but I can guarantee it’ll be a better memory than a week spent hunched over the toilet in the aftermath of potatoes mashed with rancid butter.

On that cheery note, have a wonderfully happy and safe Thanksgiving, and remember: Whatever you do, don’t dress up like a turkey today. I’d even avoid any clothing involving feathers, especially if paired with a red hat and scarf.